Autopsies R'Us

I’m usually the first guy to ask questions when something baffles me, but only if I give a fuck and the answers are not painfully obvious.

I feel like I’m on some ridiculous endangered species list as there’s an increasingly insatiable appetite to understand and diagnose anything and everything no matter the importance, even though diagnoses will never change anything and rarely make anyone feel better.

So fuck that…I have countless other ways to waste my time and brain capacity.

But people have an odd fascination with autopsies, demonstrated by numerous TV shows focused on analyzing cause of death, whether via illness, accident or criminal activity. The mystery is invariably solved in the allotted time slot while keeping the audience on the edge of their seats guessing till the very end despite often revealing seemingly overwhelming clues and hard evidence.

I’m not into any of that death stuff. In a fatal accident does it really matter what the technical cause of death was? The apparent cause is why the person is fucking dead and the specifics will not bring that person back no matter what and might actually make things worse for anyone who gives a fuck. You only hope it was with minimal suffering as “dying peacefully” and “accident” don’t typically go together. And who cares about “how” someone is murdered, though the “who” or “why” and a killer’s intent, creativity and desire to inflict pain could be perversely interesting, especially if a serial killer is involved, since some people love that kind of shit. But it will still not bring the victim back with pain and suffering absolute wild cards. Understanding the causes, progressions and genetic origins of diseases could aid in future prevention so someone dying won’t be for naught. The hope is still that person experiences minimal pain and suffering, though some illnesses are brutal despite God being at the controls, so thinking “Oh, he fucking deserved it, that prick” if there’s no soft landing might come into play.

But autopsies have metastasized beyond death, with various “examiners” professing to “knowing” what went wrong with anything. All I do is shake my head and laugh with a “No shit…really?” or “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me”, as there’s no correlation of expertise, logic, fact and reality. It’s often conjecture, sometimes sheer fantasy, especially with too many possible causes.

So blown calls on elections and failures of “invincible” sports teams prove polling, point spreads and betting odds mean nothing. All the hype, certainty and inevitability of a particular result which doesn’t come to pass turns out to be nothing but bullshit with the same overpaid and overexposed “experts” then frantically trying to explain away what happened.

“(S)he was just a terrible candidate”, “We misread the blue-collar pygmy demographic” or “We didn’t get enough votes from our reliable voters” …What the fuck? The reasons don’t mean shit and I don’t fucking care how or why that person lost. “Que fucking lastima…” is all I got to say. All credibility is shot and it doesn’t fucking matter anyway as nothing will change the outcome so I won’t waste any more of my time. Maybe something worthwhile could come from that analysis but I don’t care about that either as history dictates lessons don’t get learned so easily. But at some point I’ll probably be back to sip more Kool-Aid if my gag reflex allows it.

Being an avid sports fan is painful enough when my favorite teams are expected to suck but worse when there are expectations of some success, if not glory. Expectations are funny things often not grounded in reality but still become embedded in my consciousness, further enhanced by increasing hype and delusion. I’ve lived through decades of fanhood and have experienced some highs but many more lows, some crushing, and when those occur, the reasons for failure are rampant. “There was no clutch hitting”, “Couldn’t get the big shot/stop/out”, and “The quarterback couldn’t find the open receiver” are some greatest hits, but it all boils down to one simple thing…the team just wasn’t fucking good enough when they had to be. And no autopsy will change the outcome or make anyone, especially me, feel better so save the bullshit. I don’t fucking care…I watched with my own eyes and was dying a slow death as it went down. Though it doesn’t change the result, losing could provide insight into areas requiring improvement, and being the masochistic sucker I am I’ll be back for more regardless.

Autopsies on relationships do intrigue me and relationship analysis has evolved into its own psychology industrial complex, aimed at helping us understand and improve, feel better about or point blame since things are never perfect. But theories, studies and generalities prevail without any specific knowledge of someone’s psychological makeup or other relationship details, the value of which is still dependent on biases and self-awareness.

I’m fortunate as I have a long, happy marriage and good relationships with my kids and most other family members. My friendships are of varying strengths and durations and remain intact because of mutual desire, not need. But if the “mutual” fades and I’m not the one instigating it, it leads me to examine why. I’m self-aware, readily see other sides, can accept blame when warranted and will address things if worthwhile. If I don’t get it or just don’t fucking care I chalk it up…not every relationship lasts forever no matter what anyone says and I’m thankful for whatever it was. No further analysis or ruminating, no self-doubt or thinking I’m a bad guy.

Unless people I care about do an autopsy on me and think “Oh, he fucking deserved it, that prick”.

Then I may have second thoughts.